Sunday, March 28, 2010

it's easy - all you need is love.

I haven't been able to put my thoughts together for a proper post yet. Eva's death has elicited an entirely different reaction in me than Paul's, and different yet than many of the others we lost this past year. I knew this was coming, I listened when she said goodbye. I was able to say a proper goodbye to her. Our friendship spanned many years, reading one another's journals, some mail exchanged, though we never met in person. Yet, no matter the exchanges, I don't think losing people we love ever gets any easier.

I had this feeling though, about the upcoming trip to Boston. This trip is for Paul, to honor him, but it will be cathartic for us too. Csthartic to say our goodbyes and also because I feel after a year like the one we all have just endured as the survivors we need to be together. I need to be with people who understand how these losses keep coming, like punches to the face. and who understand why I cannot NOT be friends with people who keep dying. I have to be. my life is inexplicably intertwined with all of yours, I can't turn away, though I sometimes want to. I want to go back to my safe world of denial where people don't die of CF. At least no one I know does.

But they do. They die of Cf and they die from TX and I don't think it is ever going to get any easier.

I feel I learned from Paul to love the Cf part of myself and from Eva I learned to let others love me as well. Such important lessons from such amazing people.

I know you two didn't really know each other, but I hope you're somewhere together singing Beatles songs. All you need is love.