Today is my 5th wedding anniversary. We are also signing on our new house today! So that makes today a good day. Now that I have said the good stuff, let the complaining begin.
I went and blew a spit wad at the lab and picked up my Rx - but I don't think I am going to take it until Sunday - I don't know, we have a motorcycle trip planned tomorrow, it is suppossed to be in the 90s and I have not forgotten last years abx California trip which resulted in a horrid sunburn rash, plus, I ain't drivin' so I want to drink my liver into oblivion before I go on the Lev...that being said, I feel awful. I actually feel today the way I used to feel everyday after work, back when PFTs were low and I wasn't doing treatments. I didn't realize how bad I used to feel. But I recognize this achey, tired, worn down, I-can't-breathe feeling. It actually amazes me that I used to feel this way a lot. I don't miss it and if anything, this little bout has reminded me why I need to be vigilant with my health (how soon we forget?).
I've written before about my husband. For all his positives, "getting" CF is not one of them. I would like to think that his dire love for me keeps him in denial of the reality of my disease, but this evil little voice sometimes wants me to believe maybe he really just doesn't care (cue the sad, pity music). The reality is I just don't think he has a clue with how to deal with me and CF and has not taken the time (or felt the need) to educate himself. But what makes this hard is that I would like a bit of compassion when I feel this way. I am so tired, I don't want to do anything. Last night yoga about killed me and then, laying in shivasana (relaxation) I just concentrated the whole tiem on NOT coughing, which is tiring in itself. But he doesn't get it. Yesterday I said, "I don't feel good" (which, I am told I say a lot) and he mumbled something about being a "complainer." On top of learning that my future in health care might be all needles all the time, I was just crushed.Argh. How 'bout a big green wad of FUCK YOU.
Before I go on, I want to add a slight addendum. I tend to be very real and frank about how things are. If they are good, I say they are good, if they are great, I am estatic, but i have no problem saying when something is fucked up. So complaining about this one part of my relationship with my husband, not hiding or pretending that things are any way but they way they are in relation to CF (or my health, or kids, or job, or whatever) is by no means a full picture about how things are - it is just this one part that needs reconstruction.
Anyway. I don't know what I am going to do. I want to feel good. I want to have fun tomorrow. I want to get into my new house. I want I want I want....
1 comment:
Ughhh....sorry Shannon. I am sorry that your husband doesn't seem to "get it" or want to at least try. For me, I know that I don't get a lot about CF, but I try and we talk about it a lot. That has made it easier for both of us I think. When Gess was more guarded and in denial about his CF, it was a lot harder on me. I really didn't know what was going on with him and how to deal with it. Talking helped, but it sucks.
I hope that you feel better and you have a good ride!!
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