Tuesday, November 9, 2010

come over to the window my little darling, I'd like to try to read your palm

I'm feeling verbose today.

I find blogging so much easier than writing my thesis, which is now going on one year. Some of that is my fault. Well, most of it. 6 months was spent waiting for my director to read my proposal and set up a meeting with my committee, but since May, when that meeting was, has been my own apathy. I've set a new goal: my completed first draft will be done by December. I have about 40 pages written and in many ways it could be finished, I just need some serious editing.

My point is, everytime I sit down to work on writing it, I freeze up. I keep expecting to pour out honed essays, works of great insight and beauty! I rarely work on a blog for more than the time it takes me to write it and reread it (and as you can see by my many typos, even that doesn't always happen). Yet when I read back in my blog I find I really like some of the things I've written. So I keep stealing them for my thesis.

I've realized here in CF-land that since we all read one another's blogs, there are often concurrent themes and events that need addressing. I was wondering if, because we know that we are reading one another's journaling, we don't feel the obligation to make some sort of commentary on said events. I hope that doesn't come across the wrong, I don't mean it in a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses kind of way, just that this community is tight enough that when something of significance occurs, it touches us each deeply and blogging is one of the ways we reach out to one another to talk about it. And, let's be real, because we all want to release our own thoughts and conceptions into the blogophere. This has both positive and negative ramifications, of course.

Sometimes I write something like what I wrote above and I think it had great insight. Then I reread and it and think WELL, NO DUH.

Anyway, I had this great little note written out about blogging and the internet. I can't fnd it of course - one of those cocktail napkin epiphanies that all writers seem to be able to lose rather than use. It was something along the lines of how our blogs have become another outlet for our self-narrative (and in our case, for our illness narratives...hello thesis!). In a way, our self-narratives were written for us at conception as far as CF goes. Because of that commanility, we now have to carve out an identity separate from our disease and from one another within that disease as a means of self preservation - hence our blogs. Most our blogs have the overlying theme of life with CF, but they are all tinged with our individual reflections of self undefined by CF.

Oy.

I am going to watch "Sex in the City 2."

1 comment:

Stephanie aka PinkPigg said...

TKV Desikachar once said that we are not our bodies (or something like that). CF impacts us but we are not CF. And as you suggest each of us has our own very personal experience with CF and our reaction to it and to life itself. It's always great to read the different perspectives of this experience. Still planning to get in touch with ya at some point but may not be till January. I'm getting closer to being done with this cancer thing but not there yet. Get on that thesis! :)

Peace,
Steph