Thursday, May 10, 2012

Been a long time been a long lonely lonely time

Has it really been since October since I've written? Good grief! I have to get back into the swing of things.

My mind is turning over several ideas right now, but I think I'll just write and see what transpires."65_Redroses" made its US debut on OWN last week.

I hadn't planned on watching. A friend was able to get me a VHS tpe from the Canadian CBC broadcast and I had already watched that twice. I've cried everytime I have watched the film. (POSSIBLE SPOILER BELOW). I cry for Eva, mostly, but myself also. I know how the story ends. It was about the time that begins filming that I became friends with Meg and Eva. Meg reminded me (and still does!) of myself in so many ways and Eva accepted her situation with such grace and beauty and such a great outlook. One thing that I learned from Eva was to try to let myself be loved. I'm great at giving love, not so good at accepting it. CF taught me to turn people away. I have never wanted special consideration or treatment. I want to be left alone. this is very hard for a lot of people to understand - and I still mean it yet. I truly enjoy being alone. My username online for almost as long as the internet has existed has been wanderlost, taken from the Tolkein quote, "All who wander are not lost." I saw this on a bumper sticker when I was about 18 years old and it really resonated with me. It's exactly how I feel - just because I have my own path, my own direction, it doesn't mean that I need help. I am not lost (some may beg to differ, lol).I still want to be alone. I do not mind solitude. For this reason the internet has always been enticing. I can have commraderie and friendship at my own pace. if I don't want to talk, I don't open my chat box. If I want to chat in my panties while eating potato chips and drinking wine, I can. The rules of the internet are differnet. I am me in words. and me in words has always been the better me. I think that many of us here in webland feel the same way. The computer is a safety zone from mundane, awkward human interaction. I detest small talk. Truly, I hate it. I shy away from it. for this reason I sometimes don't even answer my telephone, because to get to anything real, one usually must engage in the motions of small talk. The internet, to some extent, diminishes this need. even in chat rooms and private messenging, there is small talk, but to me, it's just so much easier to write it out and get it over with.

**I started writing this entry in may abd never finished,so I'm just going to publish it now to get this blog up DVD humming again. I am a writer, therefore, I need to quit bullshitting and start writing!!

1 comment:

Shannon said...

And, not DVD. Silly new iPhone plays tricks on me!