I had this realization the other day: I am healthy! I think in the past year of my "coming out" I kind of forgot about that. I went through a sort of metamorphisis realizing that I am no where as near as healthy as I could be because I was not taking care of my health properly. So in the last year(+) of Cf focus I started regular treatments, swimming(though I have not been in a WEEK! Damn holidays), and I did my fist round of long overdue IVs.
During all this I came to the understanding that I was not at all as healthy as I thought I was. Having not paid attnetion to PFTs for years, I thought I was still in the 70s of tmy late teens only to realize that last November I was hovering at a mere 50%. Now, a little over a year I am at back at 74% a number I haven't seen since 1995, and my weight is the highest ever (enough that I actually want to LOSE a few pounds) and I feel pretty good. I can run on a treadmill now without a near death coughing fit and laugh much longer before I melt into an old man smokers cough.
So I was driving and thinking that I am pretty damn lucky. Neglecting my health for over ten years and abusing my body has not done the damage it could have. I've regained the same lung function I had at 18. That is something to be completely grateful for. I have been focusing on all I did wrong for so long and trying to rectify it that I think I have neglected to give true thanks. Bless my good non CF genes and lady luck and maybe the gods and the universe as well for gracing me with a resilient body and the ability to still bounce back.
I need to have this gratitude now because while I realize that I am in pretty good shape and fate has been kind to me, I know with more clarity than ever before that it is all transient and I should take nothing for granted. As I read through my blog roll and bookmarked blogs I see my own face reflected on the screen when I read of my friends on 02 and abx and and tx and pre and post tx. I'm not there yet but I no longer have that sense of me and them. Now I feel that it is US. We all have this disease, we're all heading the same direction with it, just at different points on the axis. I have to be grateful for eveyrthing this Cf life has given me and try to focus on now. Right now, I am healthy, plump, and content.
I have to recognize each gift while it is here because we all know how fleeting these moments can be in the face of CF.
2 comments:
you sound a lot like me. big surprise there!!
i've more than just neglected my health; i've flat out abused it, but still, here i am - 30 years old and close to 70% lung function (on a good day, of course), despite not having a single treatment or enzyme from 20-26. yet, fellow cystics have been adamant and aggressive since day 1 (day 3 at the very least) and live each day on fraction of the lung function i have.
thank you for reminding me to appreciate this, rather than take it for granted. although, it's still hard to accept, given the plight that are so much more deserving of this health than i am.
take care, shan.
Amen, sista! :)
I think you are a better person for having gone through this process in the last year or so. But to come out of it and be happy again is also awesome.
Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for my health, specifically for the recovery I've had over the last year. I'm trying to live life to the fullest! And, like you, I would like to lose a couple of pounds. But it is nice to be reminded that, with CF, this often is a sign of good health.
So YAY to chubby and happy!!!
laura
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