we pray and we pray and we pray every day

well, the prednisone has hit. sometimes this stuff makes me kind of maniacal. I want to talk talk talk and eat eat eat. I keep thinking it is all in my head and that there is no way I could feel it so quickly, but I do. I have lost almost 20lbs since June and I think I just ate like 12 pieces of pizza, I'll probably gain it all back in the next week. boo to that. Anyway, my xray was "normal" so I am on the pred and hopefully that will solve my issues. I actually recorded myself breathing after I walked up the basement stairs today, but I can't get it to post, sounds like darth vadar.

Anyway, I said I would post my Q and A thing today. Only one persn had a pregunta, which made me feel a bit audacious to have even proposed such a thing, but anyway...my Q and A:


What percentage of each do you feel:

1. scared of the future, versus
2. grateful for what you have, versus
3. excited when you wake up in the mornings?

Is it 10%, 60%, 30%, or ......?

So, I tend to lay in bed at night and worry about the future - I worry about my kids (in general) I worry about not seeing them (as in early Cf death), I worry about my husband and my marriage - I worry a lot at night. Seeing this is mostly a nightly occurance, I'd day it probably equals about 5% of my weekly time.

I try to be grateful for what I have and give thanks just as much as I worry. I tend to say little prayers throughout the day, like, "please let my son have a good day and school" or "thank you for bringing my husband home safe," that kind of thing.
so again, I'd say maybe that equals, really, like another 5% of my time

I am rarely excited in the morning. I am not a real peppy positive kind of person, so unless I have something really special going on, excited is not how I start out my day. So that would be like 0.01% of the time.

When I stop to think about it, I guess most of my waking time is spent being busy, taking care of house and kids and school, so I thankfully don't have too much time to ruminate on my fears, but in the same token, not enough time is spent giving thanks for what I do have, either.

wouldn't it be a real drag if we were all the same

I called today to the Fort Wayne Cf clinic and left a message. The coordinator for adult care was out, be back manana. I felt excited when the answering message said, "If you need to speak to Dr. J, call her at 2345678." This is exactly what I want: an accessible doctor. Something is wrong with my lungs. I am not congested, not anymore than usual CF, but I am short of breath and I am coughing a ton - I would almost venture to say bronchitis or maybe just serious inflammation. I know H1N1 is a respiratory flu, and my husband is still hacking away horribley (in fact, this morning and the other night both I was thinking in my head, "I wish he'd shut up" when he kept coughing - made me feel bad for him, living with me!) So maybe it is just taking forever to get over. I dunno. I am on levaquin, so I hope that is holding off any other major infection from setting in...but my point is, I should have been able to be seen by my doc, not told by the NP, "well, we can do an xray, but it won't make any difference how we treat you." Well, fine. I don't want an x-ray anyway, but this is not just a Cf exacerbation, this is repiratory influenza and maybe I need something different than usual Cf crap? I don't know, I AM NOT THE DOCTOR (but should have listened ot my dad and become one, sheesh), and i don't want to have to play doc to myself all the time; sometimes I want someone to care enough about me and my health to at least want me to come in and be seen. Unrealistic??

So some people are posting a little Q and A on their blogs, which I thought might be fun to do, as who doesn't like to wax poetic in their personal internet space? So I leave the Q and A open to questions, which I will answer. Ask me anything, not much is too personal for me to give some answer to. I will respond on Friday, Oct. 23rd to any inquiries (this reminds me of my dad, who loves to talk, telling my brother's friends, "Now is the time you can ask me anything you wan tto know about," and me thinking: please God, don't ask him anything, I am so tired of hearing him talk!)