make new friends but keep the old one is silver and the other gold

Went to see the "Sex and the City" movie (don't bother. works in 30 minute segments, not so much as a 2.5 hour movie) with one of my oldest pals last night. Lo and I have been friends for 20 years this year, and for most of those years we have been thick as thieves. In fact we often joke that we're living the dream life that all little girls have wiith their best friends...we'll get married, live next door, our kids will be friends, etc. It's pretty much true for us. Of course we've meandered on our paths, occasionally straying a bit farther from one anothers' lives, me to NM, her to AZ, but never far in our hearts.

Anyway, Lo has always known about CF - mainly because when I was a kid my mom dutifully went to all my new friends' moms to explain Cf and enzymes, etc. She also did this with all my teachers up to the 7th grade when I finally begged her to leave it be (and my 6th grade teacher kindly took it upon herself one day when I was out of class due to a clinic appointment to infom the entire 6th grade class about Cf, thank you Mrs. B). But we never really talked about CF, Lo and I. I mean there were occasional things. In high school my cough used to make her laugh as she alwasy said it sounded like an old truck trying to start - or the time i had to buy her cigarettes because she didn't have her ID but had a coughing fit as I laid the carton down to be purchased (which we both found hilarious and which only furthered my fit). But I always kept Cf close and quiet, even with my best of friends.

Lately though, perhaps in the last year or so, as I have come into beginning to accept my Cf self and I have begun to take my treatments seriously, I have also become more open with Lo about CF. She started reading Cfhusband and FOP and even bought one of Q's Denial bags. She began asking questions and I began offereing information. I have never spoken this freely about CF with anyone in my life (other Cfers withstanding), ever.

Last night Lo said to me that she was so grateful that I was sharing this with her and allowing her into my life this way. She said that it was if she'd "found the missing puzzle piece" to who I am. I think I feel the same. As I begin to fit this huge chunk of myself back in place rather than continuing to hold it at arms length, I am finding that I am more at ease with myself. I feel better put together.

It is amazing what a toll it takes to hide a chronic illness. It wasn't that it was all that hard to hide, but it certainly wasn't overly easy either, being sly with enzymes and having such a bad case of asthma, bronchitis, sinus infections, and allergies all these years. It almost seems ridiculous as I type that list of ailments that I ever worried about beign outed about Cf. I think people were more worried about why I didn't ever "see a doctor for that cough."

I don't want to misrepresent here. I still don't use Cf as my conversation pieces yet. But Lo has aleviated some of my fears by being so accepting, so curious as to this part of who I am.

As she said last night, "I don't feel sorry for you. This is just the hand you've drawn. We all have our shit, I'm just glad I get to be a part of yours."

Good friend, that one.