Clinic today. Uneventful. PFTS hold steady at 72 (34 for 25/75). Weight is up. bah. And when I asked the dietician about losing, she laughed. Why can't people see that Cf or not, I am still a human with human worries and emotions. As of yet I still have a life that doesn't fully encompass CF or rather that is not fully encompassed by CF, so if I'm still a bit vain, I'll hold onto that because it means I am still winning. As smart as it may be to be glad I'm lugging around and extra 35lbs in case I get sick, I'm NOT glad and I don't like anticipating illness in this way: might as well hold onto it cuz I know I'm gonna need it. Yes, I'm sure this is true, at some point, but it isn't now and I want my goddman flat stomach back.
Anyway, besides that, nothing.
I've been lax, a lax blogger, lax blog reader. I'm sorry. I do love you all, especially the people who actually come here and read my drivel.
I've been writing poems lately to tell the truth. I probably won't post them, though one is being published in an online journal, so when it comes out, I'll link. It's keeping me busier and more fulfilled than writing about myself and dumb Cf right now, but I'll be back. It all cycles through.
Showing posts with label weight gain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight gain. Show all posts
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Saturday, September 27, 2008
swimming swimming in the swimming pool, when days are hot when days are cool in the swimming pool
Swimming day 2
Things actually felt a little easier in the water today. My arms still ache as does my neck, but I swam 22 laps today, so woot for increasing!
My mom mentioned that my body doesn't look like my body and she thinks I should have my thyroid checked. I am so reluctant to do anything medical. While I would love any reaosn for this weight gain rather than I-sit-around-too-much-on-the-computer-and-eat-too-much-junk, I abhor medical stuff. Nothing is holistically looked at - yes, my weight gain could be thyroid or it could be PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome - not unlikely) or it could be enzyme rleated or metablosim or just being 31 and not active enough or perhaps a combo - but CF messes everything up. It becomes this big red flag that deterrs fromt he original plan.
If you mention CF to medical people who don't know much about it (most of them), you get generalized ideas or really dumbass shit coming out of their mouths which then makes the whole appointment one big annoyance. But you can't discount CF in things either....argh. I generally leave the CF off of intake forms, but in this case, I can't help but think that someone needs to evalute my ENTIRE being, not just my buddah belly. Plus I got blown off with my concerns by my CF doc as extra weight=good; PFTS are up so proofs in the puddin'.
I think I am going to visit my stepmom - a gynie, and get an ultrasound of my ovaries, have her run a thyroid check and leave it at that. I've changed my enzymes and I am exercizing. I can't do - I won't do - anything else (unless something shows up on one of those tests). But even making that appointment seems...exhausting.
I know people are tired of me complaining. I hear so many people reply to me in exasperation, "but you're not fat!" What it boils down to is this: I have had a certain body image for 30+ years, and this body I have now does not fit into that image. It isn't about numbers and clothing sizes and BMIs, it is about how I FEEL. And I don't feel good. I feel sloppy and unattractive and I don't like it. I cross my arms over my belly when I sit and feel unhappy each time I see myself in a mirror. Whether this is a serious case of vanity gone bad or resistance to aging, I don't know. What I do know, is that I don't like this feeling and I want to change it.
If this exercize doesn't help, then I know the problem is just as mental as it is physical.
Meanwhile, I will visualize my goals and keep paddling away in the YMCA swimming pool. At least I am in shape enough to swim in the fast lane instead of in the slow lane with all the old folks. That's something.
Things actually felt a little easier in the water today. My arms still ache as does my neck, but I swam 22 laps today, so woot for increasing!
My mom mentioned that my body doesn't look like my body and she thinks I should have my thyroid checked. I am so reluctant to do anything medical. While I would love any reaosn for this weight gain rather than I-sit-around-too-much-on-the-computer-and-eat-too-much-junk, I abhor medical stuff. Nothing is holistically looked at - yes, my weight gain could be thyroid or it could be PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome - not unlikely) or it could be enzyme rleated or metablosim or just being 31 and not active enough or perhaps a combo - but CF messes everything up. It becomes this big red flag that deterrs fromt he original plan.
If you mention CF to medical people who don't know much about it (most of them), you get generalized ideas or really dumbass shit coming out of their mouths which then makes the whole appointment one big annoyance. But you can't discount CF in things either....argh. I generally leave the CF off of intake forms, but in this case, I can't help but think that someone needs to evalute my ENTIRE being, not just my buddah belly. Plus I got blown off with my concerns by my CF doc as extra weight=good; PFTS are up so proofs in the puddin'.
I think I am going to visit my stepmom - a gynie, and get an ultrasound of my ovaries, have her run a thyroid check and leave it at that. I've changed my enzymes and I am exercizing. I can't do - I won't do - anything else (unless something shows up on one of those tests). But even making that appointment seems...exhausting.
I know people are tired of me complaining. I hear so many people reply to me in exasperation, "but you're not fat!" What it boils down to is this: I have had a certain body image for 30+ years, and this body I have now does not fit into that image. It isn't about numbers and clothing sizes and BMIs, it is about how I FEEL. And I don't feel good. I feel sloppy and unattractive and I don't like it. I cross my arms over my belly when I sit and feel unhappy each time I see myself in a mirror. Whether this is a serious case of vanity gone bad or resistance to aging, I don't know. What I do know, is that I don't like this feeling and I want to change it.
If this exercize doesn't help, then I know the problem is just as mental as it is physical.
Meanwhile, I will visualize my goals and keep paddling away in the YMCA swimming pool. At least I am in shape enough to swim in the fast lane instead of in the slow lane with all the old folks. That's something.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
all your beauty will be stolen by a young girl in the night
This real-life stalking thing is giving me a headache. I know I am being vague right now but until I have a handle on what is going on, I am not ready to share too much just yet here on the internets.
Instead, I would like to talk about my big ole belleh. I decided it probably wasn't very compassionate to talk about being a fat ass in Cf chat, not when so many people have trouble maintaining a healthy weight, but here on La Vie I can talk about it.
I seriously have like an inner tube around my middle - which is clearly from poor eating habits...it's just so annoying to me that at this time last year I wore a size 0...103 lbs, granted I was too thin, I was at my lowest PFTs ever - but man, my belly was as flat as could be. SO nice. Now, a mere 10 months later I am close to 130lbs with a saggy bloated belly. bah. I now wear size 5 or 7. Holy freaking hell. (and before someone says, Oh! I would love to be a size 7, yaddi da, please remember I am talking overall form, the fact that I have been a 3 most of my life, and I am only 5'2")
My husband keeps saying he doesn't mind, that it just means I am healthy - blah blah. Fine and dandy, but I am not healthy - we all know belly weight is the most unhealthy kind of weight there is, plus my belly is constantly bloated. I look 5 months pregnant all the time. It literally hangs over my waist (ok, maybe it doesn't hang over, but it is clearly there ready to drop with the next Big Mac).
So I can't help but wonder why I gained almost 30 pounds in one year? Doesn't that seem amiss? And yet I am always bloated and gassy. Is it hormonal? Is it age? Is it enzymes? Bad eating habits? Not enough exercize? Two kids? Thyroid? A combination of all of the above?
Perhaps I should just get disciplined with diet and working out. Because I know the bag of cracker nuts and coca cola I had for breakfast were upwards of 1000 calories I didn't need.
Of course, don't forget old vanity peeking in. I want my flat belly. I don't want this extra 20 pounds and fat chicken neck that comes with it. Perhaps I am a bit sensitive to all this as I've now entered into my thirties....I don't know. All I know is my body image has been none too good lately and it is brining me down.
I guess instead of complaining I should probably do something, eh? Easier said than done, obvisouly.
Instead, I would like to talk about my big ole belleh. I decided it probably wasn't very compassionate to talk about being a fat ass in Cf chat, not when so many people have trouble maintaining a healthy weight, but here on La Vie I can talk about it.
I seriously have like an inner tube around my middle - which is clearly from poor eating habits...it's just so annoying to me that at this time last year I wore a size 0...103 lbs, granted I was too thin, I was at my lowest PFTs ever - but man, my belly was as flat as could be. SO nice. Now, a mere 10 months later I am close to 130lbs with a saggy bloated belly. bah. I now wear size 5 or 7. Holy freaking hell. (and before someone says, Oh! I would love to be a size 7, yaddi da, please remember I am talking overall form, the fact that I have been a 3 most of my life, and I am only 5'2")
My husband keeps saying he doesn't mind, that it just means I am healthy - blah blah. Fine and dandy, but I am not healthy - we all know belly weight is the most unhealthy kind of weight there is, plus my belly is constantly bloated. I look 5 months pregnant all the time. It literally hangs over my waist (ok, maybe it doesn't hang over, but it is clearly there ready to drop with the next Big Mac).
So I can't help but wonder why I gained almost 30 pounds in one year? Doesn't that seem amiss? And yet I am always bloated and gassy. Is it hormonal? Is it age? Is it enzymes? Bad eating habits? Not enough exercize? Two kids? Thyroid? A combination of all of the above?
Perhaps I should just get disciplined with diet and working out. Because I know the bag of cracker nuts and coca cola I had for breakfast were upwards of 1000 calories I didn't need.
Of course, don't forget old vanity peeking in. I want my flat belly. I don't want this extra 20 pounds and fat chicken neck that comes with it. Perhaps I am a bit sensitive to all this as I've now entered into my thirties....I don't know. All I know is my body image has been none too good lately and it is brining me down.
I guess instead of complaining I should probably do something, eh? Easier said than done, obvisouly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)