swimming swimming in the swimming pool, when days are hot when days are cool in the swimming pool

Swimming day 2

Things actually felt a little easier in the water today. My arms still ache as does my neck, but I swam 22 laps today, so woot for increasing!

My mom mentioned that my body doesn't look like my body and she thinks I should have my thyroid checked. I am so reluctant to do anything medical. While I would love any reaosn for this weight gain rather than I-sit-around-too-much-on-the-computer-and-eat-too-much-junk, I abhor medical stuff. Nothing is holistically looked at - yes, my weight gain could be thyroid or it could be PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome - not unlikely) or it could be enzyme rleated or metablosim or just being 31 and not active enough or perhaps a combo - but CF messes everything up. It becomes this big red flag that deterrs fromt he original plan.

If you mention CF to medical people who don't know much about it (most of them), you get generalized ideas or really dumbass shit coming out of their mouths which then makes the whole appointment one big annoyance. But you can't discount CF in things either....argh. I generally leave the CF off of intake forms, but in this case, I can't help but think that someone needs to evalute my ENTIRE being, not just my buddah belly. Plus I got blown off with my concerns by my CF doc as extra weight=good; PFTS are up so proofs in the puddin'.

I think I am going to visit my stepmom - a gynie, and get an ultrasound of my ovaries, have her run a thyroid check and leave it at that. I've changed my enzymes and I am exercizing. I can't do - I won't do - anything else (unless something shows up on one of those tests). But even making that appointment seems...exhausting.

I know people are tired of me complaining. I hear so many people reply to me in exasperation, "but you're not fat!" What it boils down to is this: I have had a certain body image for 30+ years, and this body I have now does not fit into that image. It isn't about numbers and clothing sizes and BMIs, it is about how I FEEL. And I don't feel good. I feel sloppy and unattractive and I don't like it. I cross my arms over my belly when I sit and feel unhappy each time I see myself in a mirror. Whether this is a serious case of vanity gone bad or resistance to aging, I don't know. What I do know, is that I don't like this feeling and I want to change it.

If this exercize doesn't help, then I know the problem is just as mental as it is physical.

Meanwhile, I will visualize my goals and keep paddling away in the YMCA swimming pool. At least I am in shape enough to swim in the fast lane instead of in the slow lane with all the old folks. That's something.