you're an obsession, you're my obsession

I have a lot of time to think while I swim in the morning.

So here are some thoughts:

1) There is a guy who swims who has no legs below the knees. He's pretty fast. I admire his upper body strength. I was thinking we could make a crip swim team. We'd be pretty good, too.

2) I think my last post might have made it sound like I am unhappy with my life now. I'm not. I've taken quite well to domestication. And it was the saving grace for my health. But it is a different life than the one I lived as a single gal. Both have their merits, though honeslty I would pick this life over the former anytime. And they are not nec. mutually exclusive, I certainly have a lot of hold overs from that time - I am still the same person, just a little softer, a little slower, a lot more aware.

3) Someone asked abut denial in my family and I thought I would explore that, too. When I say I was in denial I mean simply that while I knew I had CF, I lived as if I didn't. I wasn't overly symptomatic (though with PFTS just in the 50s and 60s, I certainly was symptomaitc, I just didn't know what it felt like to feel good) and I chose not to go to clinic - once it was my choice (except the once a year obligatory visit to get rx refills) and I just pretty much ignored CF. I coughed. a lot. But I just didn't let it stop me. I honestly felt like my Cf was different than anyone elses. This, I think, is old news.

I don't know quite where this came from though. I mentioned before that my mother's side of the family is very steeped in ignoring things (as I said, my uncle didn't even know he had CF until 3rd grade when his teacher told him). They also were known to hide unwanted pregnancies, etc. So it is a don't see it , don't talk about it mentality. I don't remember my mother ever acting this way outright about my CF. She certainly did everything the doctors told her to - but she also very much let me be in charge of my care.

I look at my PFTS from age 11 - 46% and sats at 89 and I think, why the hell did no one put me on IVS? The answer is threefold: I don't think home IVs were as available then, I would have thrown a fit at having to go to the hospital, and my mother had to work, so if orals were sufficient, that was easiest for her. But really, an 11 year old probably should not have been allowed such say in the matter (though further I wonder why the docs didn't push it?). I recall as well (maybe around this same time?) having a pharmaceutical rep bring a (HUGE) nebulizer to the house. I flat out told the rep and my mom that I would not ever use that thing - and I didn't. And no one ever made me.

So I guess my denail came in some ways from the fact that my mother was content to let me lead the CF way and I wanted CF to be sort of an ugly secret. She didn't make it that way, but she certainly didn't make it otherwise.

My dad was different. He was very much determined to keep me healthy. His tactics were through exercize. Once I was strong enough to make CPT a chore - fighting, running, screaming, hiding, refusing, etc. my dad put me on a swim team. A serious swim team. And I credit that move 100% for keeping me healthy. In the off time, we had to go for family runs (horrendously embarrassing occasions that often looked like this: my two brothers and sister jogging along ahead of the crew while my dad, often called "Hulk Hogan" or "Chuck Norris" fell behind either literally pulling me along beside him or swatting me in the back of the legs with a switch to keep me moving).

The swimming seemed to do the trick, however, and I wasn't sick very often. My PFTS have always been pretty low and I recall doctors telling my paretns that they weren't too indicative of my helth as they didn't seem to represent how I was doing overall. Maybe this is true, maybe it isn't. But what happened is I just became labeled "mild." Everyone considered my Cf to be mild and so did I. To me, mild = no big deal. So it was no big deal.

My mom didn't really talk about my Cf, but my dad did all the time. Embarrasingly so sometimes. He would call me in college and remind me to work out, to be a "Physical fitness fanatic." I did aerobics and stayed fit in college - until i moved away with a boy - which is when things really took a dive. (Life in the fast lane, surley make you lose your mind).

When I met my husband, who is diabetic, I rmember complaining to my dad that he just wasn't talking adequate care of himself and my dad looked at me and said, "Frustrating, isn't it?" and I knew exactly what he meant.

4) I don't thnk too many paretns of Cfers read this, but, my final swimming thought was that I truly believe that serious exercize is the key. Not piddley once a week swim lessons at the Y but hard core olympic grade exercize. I realize not everyone can handle this, though it would seem the earlier you start, the better, but I can only believe that years of swimming - as a child 3x a week, as a teen twice a day for four months (then off the rest fo the year - with intermittiant track or summer swimming thrown in) was a big part of the puzzle in how Cf affected (or didn't) my body.