I met my old lover on the street last night

I've been thinking about sex. Cystic sex, represent, yo.

Seriously though, how I have to arrange the pillows in a certain way, I can't have my head lower than my body or I will cough, and a coughing fit does not exactly set the mood. How I get more out of breath than he does, the fact that we had to have medical intervention to convieve our daughter because of my overly thick cervical mucous...all of these things that set me apart from other lovers he's had (other lovers? no! I am the ONLY one!), from the "regular" folks.

I recently friended an old lover of my own on facebook (don't tell my husband, as far as he knows, he is the only one. kidding). He never knew I had Cf. We didn't get that far. I do remember how he'd spend the night and in the mornings especially, when I have my usual coughing fit, I would lay very still in bed, breathing just so, trying to hold in the coughing fit until I could get to a bathroom and hack silently (as I often do, you know, that cough so hard it's like a car engine trying to start) into a towel. and I find that I want to post less Cf related stuff now that I know he sees my page. That makes me feel bad. Ashamed of being ashamed. and I am not ashamed. I just....well, I guess as far as that guy goes, I feel like he had this image in his mind of me and having Cf would somehow change that image....?

Sometimes I feel guilty about Cf, around other CFers. I wonder if it is unkind to talk about my kids or my flabby belly, things that flaunt my health. Part of me thinks, no. My life and situation is what it is, and I should be proud and grateful and not try to hide anything; part of me thinks sometimes I should know better when to shut up.

But then I am also reminded that no matter where I fit into the Cf community, I still belong there. I know that I'm not the only one who makes love propped up on pillows, who coughs in the middle of sex - and maybe not even the only one who once had a lover who never knew her hard abs and lithe thighs were related to a 50% FEV1 (oh, body of my twenties, where art thou?).

Even sex can't get past this disease, can it? All I know, is, however things progress for me, I know I'll still find a way to be kinky with 02 tubing.