all the songs with goodbye in them are too cliche for my title

I'm not saying this is my last Paul post, I just don't work quite that way, but in my process, it was time to write y letter. I debated keeping this private, but if i can't share it with people who understand...well...??

Paul,

I haven’t been able to write this letter yet, because I am not ready to say goodbye. I hope you heard me this morning when I spoke to you while getting the paper. I hope that the day I learned you died, when I “felt” you in the kitchen, I hope that was real. You’re the first person who made me want to believe in heaven even if you didn't.

I remember your first pms to me at Cf.com. I had posted about ahimsa, and we chatted just a bit. You invited me to your time, though I wasn’t really listening. Then you pmed me in chat a few times when you were listed. Remember you told me how they asked if you had tattoos and used drugs as if they were mutually inclusive? On my thirtieth birthday you told me you were glad I was born. And you shared a birthday with my son, which I always found auspicious for us!

It was after tx, when I’d added that playlist to my blog and you gave me a cheers for liking Freakwater that we really started connecting. We talked music and Cf denial and loving ourselves. You told me of meeting the Buddhists, when you saw the flyer. You actually still chatted with me all the nights I typedlkie this an expctyedf you tobe abel to r ead whatI wrtoe.

I remember we talked about “getting” it, and you said, “your name is ‘wanderlost’, how can you not get it?” My heart just filled with pride, to know we “got” one another. We talked a lot about being lonely. We talked about our dads and picking out our own switches, about past lovers, and marriage. We joked about that “other life” we might have had…except I wasn’t really joking, I think you know. You know I stalked you, and while I never hid in a trashcan to find you, I always hunted you down online.

I will watch for the thugs at DQ, I will always remember when we dressed up as dogs in an overcoat at the movies, I'll try to stay out of the hole, I will take Cf on my own terms.

I remember how worried I was about you last fall with the rejection and the Pepe stuff. That is when I bought the Ganesha, which I was so happy to be able to give you at the Heartland and which you graciously accepted despite the germ thing. Thanks for that.

I wasn’t around as much lately, I know. Always busy. And the box wasn’t working right – that is the biggest thing I hope you know wherever you are, that I just couldn’t get that damn thing to work.

I wish I would have come up when I’d offered. I would have even thought about doing both things you’d asked, even if you were joking. I told you not to take the one back, and I still hope you meant it. I know you were too sick to go out and still didn’t want my bugs in your apartment, but had we known, we could have made such a time of it!

I love you Paul. You know I always carry a lot of worry and regret, but one thing I can feel good about is I know I told you I loved you, more than once. I think I remember the first time I said it, instead of my usual “much love.” And you told me, too. For that I am eternally grateful.

I don’t want to say goodbye. So I won’t. I could say "knight shug," But I think I’ll say what you always said when I had to go, which kind of irked me:

Later.