I'm in with the in crowd, I go where the in crowd goes

I'm in a funk. I know, I know, I am always in a funk. The truth is, not really. But the past 6-8 months have been not so good and I tend to write when I am down rather than up, it is my catharsis.

My trip to Boston was amazing. I've never done a CF meet up, never went to camp or any retreats or conventions. I met Paul and that was amazing in itself, but to look at the picture of 15 CFers in one place takes me breath away (bad cliche, sorry). It was just so awesome, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it.

Standing at the cemetary, looking at Paul's name on the grave and the ahses and the purple rose and the faces of all the people who came to celebrate his life moved me in a way I can't explain. And maybe, just maybe, it made me a little less scared about CF. Which makes no sense at all since I put myself in the most germ precarious situation of my life - but you get the point. Not that I am not still frightened of the gravity of Cf, because I am. While we were in Boston we lost two more, CF is a nasty mug. But I feel secure in the comminuty I have chosen to participate in. The Cf community as a whole is wonderous, but I don't know every CFer on earth, only the CF community I am a part of, the folks in the picture and some lots of other special ones who weren't there for whatever the reason. You guys have my heart.

I feel like I carry a lot of baggage around from Cf and it manifests in some not-so-nice ways sometimes, so to know I have the support of my CF community means the world to me. Truly, no one but you all can understand. Not for lack of trying, but you gotta have it to get it.