We cradle together and fall down on our knees.

I interviewed my husband today for my thesis. I am not sure what I am going to use from the interview, but I thought some of his memories and viewpoints were very interesting and insightful. We've been a little estranged from one another for some time now, though we're working hard on getting it all right.

Marriage is not easy. I envy people who make it look to be so, though I sometimes wonder the level of their intimacy and honesty with one another when it does seem so effortless. I wonder sometimes if I'm just not getting it right, making things harder than they need to be.

Anyway, here are some high lights from the interview. I was trying to type as he spoke, so every now and again I could not keep up and ended up paraphrasing, but for the most part, these are our exact words. Some of my questions are left out though maybe they will seem obvious. I just could not type fast enough to add my own words in so I assumed I would remember what I asked.

Gregg interview 6–24–10

Do you remember when I told you I had CF?

I remember the weekend we went my brother’s at the lake and you told me. I remember I did not know what it was. Had no idea what it was.
Didn’t know anything about it until you started explaining it to me. (I don't remember telling him atthe lake, I remember teeling him on th ephone in the kitchen at the duplex I lived in at that time)

What did you think after I explained?

I didn’t really start thinking about it until you started on your machine and stuff

That was after Marlee was born

I know

You didn’t notice me coughing?

Yes, but I didn’t realize how far along. I just remember the stories of your dad getting you into swimming and sports as your treatment

What did you think when I coughed when we first met?

I thought you were laughing?

All those times?

No but at the onset of it

After getting the vest what did you think?

The things you had been talking about kinda, not hit home, but made it more “here it is” this is what it is and, "I have to do this as the treatment for what I have," you know, and it had to be a regime, you had to do it. I understood you had to do it.

Did it annoy you?

No not at all.

Did it scare you?

No I wouldn’t day that it scares me because I know you don’t have to be pushed to do it, if you had to be constantly reminded, that would make it more "do or die" but that is not your make-up. you know what you need to do and you don’t need to be necessarily pushed. Now running or any kinda exercize outside of that, it’s a little bit different, but I think you knew that all the years of not necessarily ignoring it, but not thinking it would not happen to you, reality set in for you too, you know, so you just kind of adopted it as a way of life.

Do you think differently when you hear me cough now than you did before?

Like eight years ago?
Your cough is different, you cough less at night.
We can’t wrestle around like we used to, we can’t grab-ass around

I feel like I can do more of that stuff now, because I actually do treatments now, but you don’t think so?

I agree you cough less. I used to be able to time it.
Well, I knew I know when you are going to stop coughing, I know when this is the last time she is going to have to clear it out and then she can relax because I can just tell by how you cough if you’re getting it up and out.
I’m not scared for you.

But I’m gonna die. nobody has "survived" CF or not died from it iunless, you know, they got hit by a car or had a transplant and it worked good like my uncle. But then you have Eva and Paul and all these other people over here

I’m not scared for you, I don’t feel , you know, it’s like that newspaper article I read about special needs kids like that little boy, I felt sorry for him because he will never have a functional life. you still have a functional life. I’ve never thought about your life being any different than it is today because I don’t want to think about that. it’s just not how I – you know, it’s not that it hasn’t crossed my mind, but that is not my everyday thinking. I know things will change for the worse, that thought is in my mind, but it’s not constantly rolling around in my head.
When you go on IVs, the first dose is all I think of, I get into the midset of: ok here we go, we have to get in the mindset and after that, it becaused normacly and I know what we have to do and what you expect from me. But I don’t worry about the next time you have to go on IVs.

I am just under the mindset of take it as it comes. I am better with reacting to something than preparing for something that is going to happen anyway.

Maybe at some point in this thing I am going to have to change the way I think about it, but I am not to that point yet. I am not at the point where I need to panic. there is a fine line between panic and concern and I am always concerned about how you are doing, but there is a fine line – like your mom, I mean, she means well, but I can’t think like that, it would drive me crazy. I couldn’t do my job and worry about the things that are going on. maybe I just don’t have the mental capacity to give as much attention as other people give to it and be able to handle all the other things that are going on, I don’t have the mental capacity…

I just prioritize and you are the most important.

I remember when I had to take Marlee and they were coming over with the vest…you were still nursing. she was little and you didn't want her here while you learned how to do it. I took her to the mall.

you did? the mall? I don't remember that.

I remember your first IVs, staying up until 2 in the morning the first night and you freaking out because we couldn’t get it started.

We had the pole

That was for the one, and the other one was the ball which you could carry around, but the one for the most part you sat in the kitchen and did it. and I remember all the hoses and shit.

Anyway, as I feel with this entire blog, this is probably more for my own fascination than anyone elses, but when he said he used to be able to time my coughing in knew when I would be done, for whatever reason that meant a lot to me, let me know he really has been present in all this, albeit silently quite often, but still, here.