what a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be

I left when it was still night, the moon was out. I made a “Paul mix” for the drive: some of his songs, some we’d shared a liking for, some that reminded me of him. I headed west. When the Chicago skyline came into view it was Neko Case “I wish I was the moon tonight.” Paul told me he used to have Neko Case’s number. I don’t doubt it one bit.

I was super early, so I pulled into a Starbucks and gathered my thoughts. Tears had threatened and spilled the whole drive, and choking down my granola yogurt was no better. I went over what I was going to say. Paul’s mom asked me to say a few words during the service, as I was the only representative there who knew him in the online world. Public speaking is not my greatest achievement. While I don’t mind it, I do get nervous and tend to talk quickly. Further, crying in front of people is something I like to avoid.

I entered the church and was immediately greeted by Paul’s mom. She introduced me to the family and showed me the pictures of Paul they had gathered for the ceremony. How fun! Paul as a baby, Paul going to the prom (can you imagine!), Paul’s travels. In some pictures, I barely recognized him, it wasn’t the Paul I had ever seen, others were certainly the Paul Q I knew. I started to cry, of course. I cry all the time, but Paul’s aunts hugged me, we cried together.

The ceremony was a Catholic mass. If you’ve been to a funeral, you know how they go. Cousins did readings; we sang “Ave Maria,” read a psalm. There was a very cool moment when was all joined hands, down and across the aisles to say the “Our Father” and I could feel all the energy being shared. I love that stuff!

The speakers were two of Paul’s friends, his brother, and me. The first speaker told a story about picking Paul up at the hospital once, and how walking in he heard a guitar strumming and this deep Johnny Cash voice booming out of the hospital room. He said you could judge a person by if they “got” Paul or not. I was so pleased to be one of those who “got” him. I was next.

I gave Paul’s aunt the paper I spoke from, but the gist (Paul taught me it’s ‘gist’ not ‘jist’ btw) of what I said is this (from my starbucks draft):

Hi, I’m Shannon, I am a friend of Paul’s and like Paul, I have CF. We met about three years ago on a Cf website. Paul, or Q, as he was known online was already a well-known figure in the CF world. I was just coming to grips with the reality of the disease, and Paul reached out to me immediately. From there our friendship grew roots much deeper than just CF.

I got to spend some time with Paul in “real life” and one of our meetings was in my hometown of South Bend. I met Paul at his hotel and we walked to get something to eat. As we walked, we were just joking around about life and CF and how we both had country singer ringtones set for one another (I had Merle Haggard, he had Hank Williams Sr). I remember this moment as we walked where I was just filled with love for Paul. I called it the “shining beauty” moment because this love and light just came off of him.I knew I was in the presence of someone special.

I know that all the people in the Cf community that Paul touched, even those who never had the pleasure of looking into his eyes, felt that love and light on their ends of the computer screen. He touched us all so deeply.

Paul’s death has left a huge space in the CF community, but I know that we all take from him what he taught us with his kindness, his humor, and his knowledge. I feel Paul all around me and I will always hold him in my heart.

So whew. I did it. I went back and forth so much on what I wanted to say, but I knew Paul would want me to speak from the heart. I also mentally said a few words to him for making me have to get up in front of a hundred people I don’t know and do the “I have CF” spiel. I know he knew how hard that was!

They played the song “Regina” that I assume Paul wrote for Gina. I had not heard this before. I have not stopped listening to it since. Wow. Lots of tears for everyone at that moment.

After the service, one of Paul’s former students, Peter ,and his college friend Ted introduced themselves to me and we sort of became buddies. I followed Peter to Paul’s apartment where the after-thing was(what do you call the thing after a funeral?.

I thought I would “feel” Paul when I got into the apartment, but it was clear to me that the apartment had been cleaned out quite considerably. I knew there was no way Paul lived that sparsely! It just didn’t have his “presence.” His mom told us to feel free to take anything we wanted (mostly books) just, “not the ashes” she said (might have been tempting). I took a Flannery O’Connor book as well as a Thomas Merton one. The Merton had notes in it, and I wanted something with his writing in it.

As things started to relax, now that the hard part was over, people were less rigid, talked more. I joked with Paul’s brothers, met two of his former girlfriends, both of which I had heard of, talked to cousins and neighbors. I talked about CF to a lot of people. I think there was a bit of awkwardness, as what do you say to a CFer at a CFers funeral? I explained a lot about the “denial” thing, as so many people spoke about how they didn’t know Paul had CF for so long. CF denial was one of the first things Paul and I bonded about.

The most amazing moment was when Bill (think that was his name), one of the musicians Paul recorded with (think Strobe stuff) brought out his guitar, and we all sat and sang a few Beatles songs together. On my left was K, on my right, Paul’s dad, and then his brother, aunts and cousins across the way, and right then, that is when I felt Paul. That was the sending off I knew he would want. It was truly magical and I will be forever moved by it. I recorded a few seconds here, which I want to share. You can listen, be there - but no snarking at my off-key voice.

Paul’s’ brother added me back to his facebook (sorry for people who saw he was online, I think that was us, that must have been hard), which felt a little like cheating, but everyone who knew him wasn’t the least bit surprised that he had removed a few of us that he was close with. That was Paul.

I feel closer to him now than I did before, I think I fell in love all over when we all sang. I felt all I missed by having CF, by not being able to hang out with Paul at his house because of germs, by not meeting at the “right time.” Because I knew Paul and I talked about that “other life” we might have had. No, I wasn’t in love with him like that, but there is just no other way to explain it. The other life – that’s the one without CF, I guess.

Being there, seeing and talking to these people who I had heard of, who had heard of me, made it all real. It wasn’t just an online thing, this frienship was real and deep. I wish there were second chances, because I would do it differently if I could. I can’t, so I hold tight to the experience, to the honor of having known him, and being able to share with those he loved most in the celebration of his life.

I love you, Paul Justin. You never would tell me your middle name. But I know now.